Featured Magic: The Gathering D&D (MTG Forgotten Realms) art image credit to Wizards of the Coast’s book Guildmasters’ Guide to Ravnica.
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Note from Flutes: You are about to read the satirical ramblings of a snake-oil salesman and Planeswalker named Seth, monologuing about the latest Magic: The Gathering cards that are themed on the official setting of Dungeons and Dragons, the Forgotten Realms. But these cards have gotten a bit… mistranslated during Seth’s travels (AKA during many iterations with Google Translate). Enjoy these MTG D&D cards that have become lost in translation!
Seth Sulimo the Planeswalker’s Writings
There’s a fair few of you adventuresome types round here, ain’t there?
Now, I’d flatter m’self to say I’m a well-traveled fella. I’ve been to more’n a handful of places, and I found adventuresome types’r mostly the same all over. Yall like loot, yall like a fight, yall like sticking your noses in places what folks don’t mean for noses to be stuck in. And in my experience, yall like a bargain.
Which is good news for you, I guess.
See, I tend to pick things up, here and there, never mind why. And some of em get a mite… disorganized during travel. It happens. Farmer takes eggs to market, well, sooner’r later one of em’s gonna crack. My last Walk left me here sittin’ on a few things as aren’t exactly saleable back home. So, yall can have ’em, bargain prices, good fer a laugh at least, I guess. Reckon if anybody can find a use for em it oughta be you adventuresome types.
But if any Sheriffs, or whatever it is you got round here instead of Sheriffs, start askin’ questions? You ain’t never seen me. We understand each other?
Good, ’cause that’s the last understandin’ anyone’s like to be doin’ here.
Divine Smite Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
I ain’t met many pilots in my days, but I guess they think they’re in control of anyone they’re again. And any time they walk, they need somebody to carry their stuff. Dang pilots. Somebody oughta sanctify them. Immediately!
Which I’m guessin’ you can use this spell to do, assumin’ you buy it.
Ray of Frost Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Don’t go listenin’ to the type line there; I don’t take payment in oil! And I do, in fact, go beyond my system; how the heck else’d I have ended up here?!
So suppose you’re dealing with a white creature, and don’t we all, from time to time, and you don’t got the resources you need cause the witch creature is burnin’. That’s when you use this Ray. I think it’s either cold or a ray of ray radiation, which is redundant. Or ray-dundant, eh? Eh?
Ray-dundant?
Please.
Ray of Enfeeblement Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
I guess if my bones suddenly softened, I might burst into tears too.
I’m not gonna hafta elaborate on the kinda mischief you could get up to with a spell that does that, am I?
Burning Hands Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Sometimes the instructions get mixed up with the circumstances. Like, obviously, the first step in this one is “put your hands up” to shoot fire out from ’em, but then some “well that’d be useful for robbing a stagecoach or bank” gets in, and now it’s a demand.
But the spell does come with a fire extinguisher included, in case you use it too close to any flammable material.
Hunter’s Mark Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Right away, let me be clear: while I ain’t opposed to hagglin’, this one ain’t gonna be yours for less than 3.
So I got this one from a pilot, and he didn’t do that bad a job with it, I gotta say. He used it to make folks lose control of their 1/1 beasts. Course, his success was partly cause he had real good aim, that’s on you, and I hear this magic’s not that easy to control.
I hear it resists.
So, what’ll it be? You see somethin’ you like, better take it now, ’cause it ain’t gonna still be there next time I blow into town.
About the Author: We’re not 100% sure where Seth is from. When we asked, he said he’s “not from around here” which does seem to be true enough, but it isn’t helpful. Also, he laughed at us. That was rude.
As far as the watch can tell, he technically hasn’t broken any laws yet, but he’s definitely shady and we must caution you against buying any of the spells he’s trying to sell! We don’t know where they’re from or why they look the way they do, but they almost certainly aren’t going to work!
The watch says investigations are ongoing, but the only lead they have so far is this Twitter Feed.
