Featured Magic: The Gathering D&D (MTG Forgotten Realms) art image credit to Wizards of the Coast’s book Guildmasters’ Guide to Ravnica.
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Note from Flutes: You are about to read the satirical ramblings of a snake-oil salesman and Planeswalker named Seth, monologuing about the latest Magic: The Gathering cards that are themed on the official setting of Dungeons and Dragons, the Forgotten Realms. But these cards have gotten a bit… mistranslated during Seth’s travels (AKA during many iterations with Google Translate). Enjoy these MTG D&D cards that have become lost in translation!
Seth Sulimo the Planeswalker’s Writings
Well, well, well, y’all couldn’t get enough of… whatever it was you used those last ones for, huh?
Awright. Never let it be said that I ain’t a man of the people, well, bird of the people, who don’t give folks what they need.
I guess I dunno WHY folks got a need for ‘spells I stole, but they got all scrambled in the Blind Eternities when I Walked to get here, and now they’re garbled nonsense,’ but that’s folk’s business, not mine!
Bag of Holding Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Now, I reckon that since yall’re adventurin’ types, you need adventurin’ gear. And you, no doubt, love a bargain, and this ain’t nothin’ if not that! Though I guess I oughta clarify it’s more ‘A Technique’ than a piece of gear, strictly speakin’. But you can use it inside, and also outside, so that’s handy!
But, say you’ve got a quest to recover the Rectangle Magnet from the Blessed Virgin? Then nothin’ could be more handy!
Just… don’t riches. Can’t advise any riches when you’re usin’ this. Good thing I’m here to take of those for ya!
Potion of Healing Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Injury’s whatcha call an occupational hazard of adventurin’, to be sure. Whatcha need is some kinda portable source of emergency healin’.
Like this Clinical Box!
This is a real work of art, and the best part is how it ain’t just gonna heal your hit points—pretty sure that’s what it means by ‘get three lives’—but it’ll also throw in a coat to keep you warm! And if you don’t need to be kept warm? Then it’ll give you a map to the anti-freeze refrigerator, so you can just wear the coat in there!
Don’t worry none about that text at the bottom there what seems to be talkin’ about findin’ yerself a prisoner in your own body, forced to struggle from within. That’s just the legal boilerplate about the side effects, probably, like the fella reads real fast at the end of the commercial!
Vorpal Sword Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Well, uh, Bhopal is the… capital city of the state of Madya Pradesh in India. So, presumably, this is a spell, from there, for makin’ whirlpools in barrels? Like, mebbe if you got a barrel of wine or whiskey or I dunno, pickles? Whatta they keep in barrels in central India, Raita, mebbe? And you don’t want it gettin’ all stagnant.
Or… maybe it’s for makin’ whirlpools burst out of barrels, to whirlpool up yer enemies! That might be it!
Look, I got no idea what this was supposed to do. There’s a reason it’s on discount, yeah? Maybe it gets you a sword. Like it done for Harpal. Are you a fancy enough animal to be associated with death? Well, if you’re not, just add some decoration; that oughta fix it.
Magic Missile Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
Ok, this one, you should get while you can. Lotta guys wanna try these out, and I hear they really help keep the game goin’!
No doubt you heard of rockets. Shoot up in the air, pretty and loud; dogs hate ’em, werewolves do too in my experience. Well, this ain’t no ordinary rocket. This is a supernatural rocket! One that tells your fortune! Somehow!
Comes with plenty of options, there. Got a three-option one, a two-option one, OR a three-option one. And they’re all customizable to work with whatever amazin’ weapons you already got!
Limit one per customer, which isn’t a denial! It’s just a limit.
Long Rest Mistranslated – Magic: The Gathering D&D Cards
(See the Original Card before Google Translate)
You might ask, why do I do this job? Surely there’s gotta be better jobs out there.
The money.
Now I’m gonna go take a rest. It’s fun!
Keep an eye out, though; I’m sure I’ll have more of these to unload, I mean, more of these fine and exotic if somewhat discounted wares to sell to discernin’ and thrifty adventurers!
About the Author: We’re not 100% sure where Seth is from. When we asked, he said he’s “not from around here” which does seem to be true enough, but it isn’t helpful. Also, he laughed at us. That was rude.
As far as the watch can tell, he technically hasn’t broken any laws yet, but he’s definitely shady and we must caution you against buying any of the spells he’s trying to sell! We don’t know where they’re from or why they look the way they do, but they almost certainly aren’t going to work!
The watch says investigations are ongoing, but the only lead they have so far is this Twitter Feed.
